Saturday, December 23, 2006

The Big Santa's Vishus Reindeer Lie!!!!

Many cats have been asking over this season whether or not Santa’s vishus reindeers are truly vishus; if Santa really gets eight vishus reindeers to pull his sleigh and help bring presents to all the good little cats.

I’m here to tell you it’s all a BIG FIB!!!!

There are no vishus reindeers pulling Santa’s sleigh! Clearly this is another big fib to sugar-coat the vishus deers, just like the adorable KC said about Bambi.

Certainly, from where humans look from, I suppose vishus reindeers make sense, especially up north here. Vishus Reindeers, or Vishus Caribou-deers as they are called here in North America, have hooves that are especially dangerous to cats, as they adapt themselves to the weather. They become soft and spongy to walk on soft, smooshy ground in the summer and harden in the winter so they are skates, making it all the easier to run fast and get to places where juicy young cats might hide!

But Eight Tiny Vishus Reindeers? TINY? Vishus Reindeers aren’t TINY!!! They HUGE!!! Taller than 5 cats at the SHOULDER!!! (this doesn’t include their heads. If only we could not-include the head of every Vishus Reindeer! Then they couldn’t eat us!!!!!). And FLYING?!?!? Who ever saw a vishus reindeer fly? They don’t even have wings!!!!

Now Santa being tiny makes sense. I’ve never lived in a place with a real fireplace and chimney for Santa to come down, but my OTW says they’re really small and even she couldn’t fit down one. No human but children can mostly. And what about those houses with no fireplaces, like all the places I’ve lived? But if Santa were tiny, then that wouldn’t be a problem, would it? He could come down the smallest chimney, or in through the tiniest of air vents into apartments. I think Santa is maybe a tiny elf himself!!!

But Vishus Reindeers aren’t tiny!!! So it can’t be true, can it?

And I’m suspicious too, ‘cause every human society seems to have different stories about what beast of burden Santa uses to bring toys to good cats everywhere, and they’re not all Vishus Deers either. Not only that, but even people in different countries can’t seem to agree on who gives presents to good cats, and how they get there.

Below you will find what my research found as the most popular theories (at least according to the innernets)

In England and in New England and in lots of other places, Santa sometimes rides a Motorcycle like Max and Buddah’s Woman.

Some people in the US say Santa’s Sleigh is pulled by Texas Longhorn (they’re cows) called Reinsteers.

The US Department of Transportation says Santa has a new hydrogen-cell fueled sleigh. (I’m not sure what that means, but I think it something like our humans’ machines, but a special kind)

In Holland, where my OTW’s parents are from, Sinterklaas rides a white horse or a donkey, and brings presents for good cats on December 5. With him comes Zwarte Piet (Black Pete) who gives coal to the bad cats. Sinterklaas lives in Spain the rest of the year. Which seems like a much nicer place to live than the North Pole!!! Lots of times tricks are played with presents, and cats have to dig their presents out of litter boxes (not real litter boxes-maybe cake ones like Zeus told us about!) In Belgium they also say Saint Nicholas rides a horse.

In Italy, it isn’t Santa who gives gifts to good cats. It’s La Befana, a good witch who rides on a broom. (I don’t like brooms either though. They’re vishus too, just not as vishus as Vishus Deers or toy-sucker-upper machines).

In Switzerland, Saint Nicholas rides through town on a donkey, and presents are brought to good cats by the Christ Child who certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with Vishus Reindeers. In Germany, the Christ Child also brings the presents.

In Spain and Mexico and South America presents are brought by the Wise Men who brought Presents to the Christ Child. They ride on horses, too.

In Denmark the presents for good cats are brought by a gnome called Julemanden who rides in a sleigh they say is pulled by Vishus Reindeers, but in Sweden Juletomten rides in a sleigh pulled by goats or comes out of the floor of the house or barn.

In Finland "Joulupukki" rides a goat, made of straw called Ukko. Which is funny, because Finland is where the Sami live, and the Sami, as you may remember from my Vishus Deer of the North pamphlet, are the crazy people that first herded vishus reindeers like cows!!!

I’ve heard that in Australia and Tasmania and New Zealand Santa rides waterskis, and wears a red bathing suit. Can any of the Cat bloggers from there tell me?

But I have an entirely different theory!

Santa is tiny! Santa needs to fly all over the world to deliver presents to good cats! What flies? Birds, of course!! Big, juicy, tasty, yummy fev-very……ahem. Yes, birds! And I have proof!! This is hanging in my livingroom!

Yes, that’s Santa! Riding on a great big fat…tasty…juicy…ahem…sorry…cardinal. Like some of the cat bloggers have in their yards. We already know they can fly really really really far, ‘cause they migrate every year. It makes perfect sense, everycat! Santa flies on birds, not on a sleigh pulled by eight giant, smelly vishus reindeers!

So you can all breathe easier tonight, and not have to hide in your houses for fear that Santa might bring in his vishus reindeers and let them try to eat you (though I’m sure it would be an accident!)

However, no matter how much you want to catch the wonderful, glorious, bright red (my favourite!) …succulent…tender…AHEM…..sorry, sorry…fev-ver he rides on, you can’t catch it and eat it. I’m sure that’s bad, and you won’t get any presents next year. And Santa may not get to the rest of us this year. So, please, everycat. Restrain you natural impulses, and take a good long nap!!!


Gemini said...

Oh that makes me feel better. I hated to think that vishus deer were part of Christmas. Of course, the Episcopalians were selling Reindeer food for the yard--so I'm not sure about the Christ Child avoiding those evil creatures...

Anonymous said...

This is a very interesting theory, and full of a LOT of research. I think you may be onto something here!
~ moose

KC and the Giggleman Kitties said...

o, Jack, tha sequel to ur's furst book is grrrreat. u did a lots of reseerch 'n it be very interesting.
i finks tha way Santy gets 'round in other countries is better.

i'll post this on tha Blogosphere so effurryone can get ta read it.

Hot(M)BC said...

Oh! That makes lots more sense, Jack. And we's not so nervous now. (And discuvverin that the vishus deers in the livin room are STUFFED so they can't eats us helped too.) Fanks lots!
and Merry Chrissymouse!
Sanjee, Boni Maroni, Mini, Pepi and Gree

Tommy and Teaghan said...

Fanks for letting us know about all da ofur Santy Claws. At least we don't fink vishus deer are so vishus.

Anonymous said...

you mean a fat juicy delicious red fev-ver is gonna come to our house tonight? ::sigh:: self-control, self-control, self-control...

Memories of Eric and Flynn said...

yoo haf been bizzy. We's furry glad that Santa may not be yoosing vishus reindeer cuz we wuz afrayed to go to sleep. We may not go to sleep ennyway cuz we will haf to watch out furr the big fat juicy bird.(Just to look at yoo unnerstand) Merry Christmas.

Lux said...

Have a Merry one, Jack!

Susie said...

There are NO vishus deer! Come read our Cat-mas story and see that there are kitties pulling the sleigh - duh!

Skeezix the Cat said...

Thanks for being ever-vijilunt, Jack! Have a Merry Krissmiss!

KC and the Giggleman Kitties said...

o, Jack, i likes tha sleigh at Kimo & Sabi's cause kitties pull tha sleigh. i wanna pull a sleigh.

anyways, Merry Christmas to you and your fambly from Missy, little Bear and me, KC.

Shaggy and Scout said...

Holy Moly Jack! This really clears up a lot!!!! You are truly the resident eggspert on these vishus deer things! Merry Christmas to all of you!

Max said...

The WOman saw Santa riding down the street yesterday on a motorcyce! She said he rides a Harley and it's RED!!! There was no vishus deers with him, just a hat flopping on his head and she said that amde Santa kinda not smart cause he didn't have helmet on.


Jake and Bathsheba said...

Very informative. Mom tells us that we better get to bed or Santa won't visit us - no matter who's pulling the sleigh.

Merry Christmas, Jack and Persephone!


Madness, Trouble, Squish and Milkbone said...

Merry Christmas.

Fat Eric said...

Excellent research, Jack. Happy Christmas to you and your family.

INAMINI said...

Jack- you've educated us all! and Prettige Kerstdagen en Gelukkig Nieuwejaar to your OTW- my Mom is from Holland, and she tells us stories about it all the time!

Diamond Emerald-Eyes said...

If Santa Claws is really tiny, how does he get the big presents into the house? And I don't care if the reindeers are as tiny as Key Deers, they still LOOK Vishus and that's good enough for me.

As for the theory about the Christ Child, when he got older he became the crucified God and cats almost became extinct because he told his followers to hunt us down and kill us. So I want nothing to do with him, he is EVIL.

Cat Naps in Italy said...

It is so good to know that this is all a lie. Now we can sleep this Christmas eve. Thank you!

As for the Befana chick, we are soooo scared of her! We never heard about here before we moved to Italy. Now she sneaks into our house the night before Jan. 6 to leave goodie OR coal. A witch! A Christmas witch! Can you imagine???? What is wrong with these Italians???

Opus and Roscoe

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