Friday, December 01, 2006

50 Reasons

Since the Big One was slightly miffed that my OTW and I came up with so many reasons cats were better than men (or women, if that's what you prefer), even though most of them had nothing to do with him, I'm posting this list of all the reasons things that men do, that cats won't. "cause we all know men aren't better than us!

1/ Cats won’t offer to support you for two years while you try to start an art career or personal business. AFTER supporting you for two years through school.

2/ Cats don’t clean the bathroom.

3/ Cats don’t cook gourmet meals for you.

4/ Cats won’t build you looms and other art tools.

5/ Cats won’t go out and hunt your groceries when it’s really really cold

6/ Cats don’t shovel snow.

7/ A man won’t steal all your make-up brushes and drag them all over the house and hide them under carpets.

8/ Men don’t insist on sitting on your shoulder while you’re trying to type. (We’re SNOOPERVISING!! It’s our JOB!!!)

9/ Men don’t wash their private bits in front of company

10/ Men don’t insist you open the door for them then stand in the doorway debating whether to go in or out when you know perfectly well they’re not going to because it’s COLD.

11/ Men don’t kick down the door of the bathroom and demand loving while you’re peeing.

12/ Men don’t sit in the sink, drinking from the faucet when you need to wash your hands.

13/ Men don’t wake you up by sticking their cold wet nose against yours, or by tickling your cheeks and nose with their whiskers, or sticking their paw in your mouth.

14/ You can have a conversation in the same language (though we know it’s not your fault you have no whiskers or tails and your ears don’t swivel around).

15/ A cat won’t run out in the middle of the night and buy you chocolate when you’ve got PMS

16/ A man won’t track kitty litter or poop all over the house.

17/ Men don’t walk around with poop hanging off their furry butts (Hey! Neither do we!)

18/ A man will let you sleep in on weekends.

19/ A man doesn’t unroll the toilet paper all over the floor

20/ Men don’t scratch up your furniture even though you’ve gotten them several perfectly good scratching posts

21/ A man won’t try to eat your Christmas decorations. (oh, the yummy yummy silk holly leaves….)

22/ A man won’t hump your foot, teddy bears, or dustmop

23/ Men don’t usually pee on the furniture or carpets.

24/ Men don’t cough up hairballs

25/ Cats don’t bring you breakfast in bed. Or if they do, it’s not something you’d actually want to eat.

26/ Cats can’t fix your computer.

27/ Men don’t sleep in your closet on your woolly clothes and leave them covered in hair.

28/ You don’t have to man-proof the cupboards with the cleaning supplies.

29/ Men don’t try to bat the string/pencil/beads out of your hands while you’re working (which seems kind of uncaring really, leaving you to defend yourself against them alone).

30/ Cats don’t do dishes or windows

31/ Men brush their teeth or at least eat a breath mint occasionally

32/ Men don’t sit and stare at you unblinking for no particular reason.

33/ A cat won’t make you handmade chocolate truffles.

34/ Cats won’t use the toy-sucker-upper for you if you’re scared of it (heck, we wouldn’t even let it in the house if we could help it).

35/ A cat doesn’t know how to pick you a good single malt scotch.

36/ Cats won’t help you set up the stereo system with 20 bazillion wires

37/ Men don’t sit in your lap, then get mad because you insist on getting up to use the bathroom, or get a drink.

38/ A cat won’t buy you books. Expensive books. For Christmas. There’s a list on the OTW’s computer…… (she made me type that)

39/ A cat won’t taste test every crazy soup recipe you try making.

40/ A cat won’t write you poetry, in 9th century Viking runes, on a headboard he carved himself.

41/ Cats don’t get up first to turn up the heat and put the coffee on so you can stay in bed until it warms up. (We’d rather snuggle up and suck up your warmth)

42/ A man won’t sit his booty on your favourite pillow.

43/ A man can take you for a drive in the country.

44/ Cats will listen to you talk for hours about String Theory and Parallel universes and the possibility of time-travel, but they won’t contribute much to the discussion.

45/ A cat can’t critique your art or proofread your essays (though I do sit on them sometimes and give them booty-sitting approval. Or not).

46/ You can’t bat your eyelashes at a cat and get them to buy you that really, really nice amber pendant you just saw and are already dying to have.

47/ Men don’t lay across the hall playing ‘Speedbump’

48/ Men can, in fact, get their own food when they are hungry.

49/ Cats can’t take components from various other things and make useful tools or silly toys from them.

50/ Cats can’t help you when you get ‘urjes’.


Anonymous said...

That sounds like the human male... Of course, I KNOW I'm better than him...

Jake and Bathsheba said...

Okay, we'll concede on most of those points. Just for the record, Mom did not tell Dad about our fourth place finish in the contest, and we told Zeus to mail the book to Mom's WORK address. We thought that Dad might be kinda sensitive about the subject, but we wanna examine that book.


Skeezix the Cat said...

Grate list, Jack, altho I'm not sure 17 is altogether troo. My faverit if #50. Boy, that list was a lot of werk!!!

Lux said...

My mom's laughing!

Anita said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Wunnerful list! Did yu haf tu obsurf the man bean tu make the list? An take notes?

Anita said...

Cats are better than men!!!

Thanks for your visit and good desires.

Mr. Hendrix said...

Awwww, The Big Man sounds like a really nice guy. My daddy is a really nice guy too. Mommy says sometimes it is a "toss up" between a cat and a man. When a jar needs to be opened, MAN. When there is a trail of mud from dirty shoes through the kitchen, across the carpet, into the bedroom and then the bathroom, CAT.
Congratulations on your big win!

Memories of Eric and Flynn said...

dat's a furry gud list Jack, an owr mum's laffing at it.She sed she's still waiting furr #2 #3

Dragonheart, Merlin, Devi, and Chloe said...

That's a great list. :) I'm glad that my human dad isn't allergic to me, so that my mom can have a cat (me) and a man (my human dad).

Victor Tabbycat said...

OH, Mom read this an laffed an laffed. Dad said he provides a paycheck an we don't.
How bout this: you don't have to scoop their poop.

Bonnie said she'd rather keep the man an get rid of me. Well, poo on her.

Hot(M)BC said...

Jack, my Mommy wants to know if your Mommy has a spare human male that does those kindsa things. I'm skeered to ask why she wants to know that, but I tolded her I'd ask.

momsbusy said...

wow jack, that is some list. ars mommees says yus did a fery good job. she is gonna put yur list wifs zeus list so she can reminds herself why she needs bof men and cats.