Saturday, March 31, 2007
Kitty-COPS -Episode #2
Narrator: This week we're in Apartment 302. We're riding along with Officer Crazy-Cathead-Smoocher, a patrol officer with more than 10 years experience.
CCS: This is still a pretty new patrol route for me, only been working this patrol for 10 months. I used to do Patrol Route Apartment 3. Was there a couple of years. But you know, it seems like no matter where I do patrol, I always seem to keep seeing the same cats over and over, so I guess it really doesn't matter. I may still be getting to know all the hidey-spots and nappy-places, and escape routes, but I know the cats really well. I know them well enough to be able to tell who the victims really are and which ones are the troublemakers.
We got a report on a older man-cat possibly commiting indecent exposure and lewd conduct in public a livingroom away from here. We're just going to go in real quiet, see if we can catch him in the act.
There he is. I don't think he's seen us yet. Man-cat's pretty preoccupied. We're just gonna hang back a second, see what he does.
There he goes, yeah. Well, there's no doubt THAT'S lewd conduct. Listen to that yowling! And this sofa is a neighbourhood with young cats too. They don't need to be exposed to this kind of thing at their age. Alright, we're going.
Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir?
Ah, *bleep* we didn't need to see that. Sir? SIR!
CCS: Sir, can I ask what you thought you were doing?
CCS: Could you speak up, sir?
CCS: Why not? You were yowling loud enough a minute ago.
CCS: Sir, don't take that tone with me. Sir, have you had any 'nip tonight?
CCS: Well, sir, I can smell 'nip. You can tell me you haven't done any 'nip, but my nose doesn't lie.
CCS: Girlfriend, sir? Is this your girlfriend here with you?
CCS: Sir, you do realize this is a Dead Dustmop? This isn't your girlfriend, it's an inanimate object?
CCS: *bleep* He's running! He's running!
CCS: *bleep* We lost him. *pause* Yeah, we think he ran through here, but I don't see him anywhere. There must be a hidey-spot around here somewhere. He's vanished. Well, nothing we can do now. We'll keep an eye out for him on patrol tonight, see if we can't pick him up later.
Dispatch, we have a 10-57, causing a public disturbance at the east end of Sofa. Suspect eluded capture. Please advise all units to be on the lookout for a male cat, tuxie, approximately thirteen, between 14 and 15 lbs. Suspect is fanged and clawed and appears to be intoxicated. Possible 10-96. Approach with caution.
Dispatcher: 10-57, possible 10-96, copy, Unit 4
CCS: That old man-cat, it's pretty clear despite what he meows, that he's been hitting the 'nip pretty hard for years. And that business about the Dead Dustmop being his girlfriend? Well, he may be a few kibbles short of a cat-dish. I dunno. We'll have to see if we can catch him later, bring him in for evaluation.
***few hours later**
CCS: This is really not such a bad neighbourhood. A lot of calls I get are just for rescuing mousies from under couchs, or bored young cats looking for attention. A few scritches, just to let them know you're out there, you're watching, and you're on their side. On weekends, I coach a wand-catching team of young girl-cats from this neighbourhood.
Hold on, is that....? Yeah, I think that's him!
CCS: Sir? Sir, stop!
CCS: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me. Sir, please let go of the Dead Dustmop.
CCS: Sir, that enough. Can you tell me your name?
CCS: Sir, your name? What's your name?
CCS: There's no call to be rude like that, sir. You stay right here. Just lie right there and don't move.
Suspect: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *licklicklick*
CCS: Dispatch, we have that 10-96 in custody. We're located at the front of Sofa. We're going to... HEY! Sir! SIR! That's enough! Stop! Stop right there!
CCS: Oh, man! Oh geez! Sir! Please! Just stop. Just stop that now.
CCS: Sir, I'm going to have to take you into custody now. Please don't try to bite me.
CCS: Yeah, well, sir, at this point we don't have much choice about taking you in. Now you understand we are not placing you under arrest. You are being taken in for an evaluation to determine if you require any help.
CCS: Unbelieveable. Some nights this job is just crazy.
Narrator: Whisper Grumpybutt was remanded into the custody of the local health authority and is currently undergoing scritch therapy and bed rest.
Officer Crazy-Cathead-Smoocher continues to patrol Apartment 302, rescuing mousies, keeping the peace and making sure everycat gets plenty of head smooches.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Thursday Thirteen-About Whisper (AKA Grumpybutt)
Whisper has eyes the colour of my OTW’s amber ring.
Whisper is 13 years old. He lived with someone else from the time he was a kitten until he was about 11-12 years old, but then the man had to find him a new home. My OTW took Whisper in to be my friend, but he wants to be an only cat and he’s grumpy. Which is why he’s called Grumpybutt
Whisper ALWAYS snuggles into my OTW’s right side in bed. Except when he crawls under the covers. Then he has to be on the left.
Whisper is sometimes called the Midnight Snuggle Burglar, because he WON’T purr for my OTW during the day. He lets her pet him and stuff, so long as it isn’t too much, but no purring. Except at night, in bed, after she’s turned off the light when she can’t SEE him purring as he snuggles up. Lately, he’s even taken to crawling under the covers with her.
Whisper knows when the Big One is going to bed. He sees the Big One kiss my OTW goodnight, and say “I’m going to bed” and he hops right off the couch and follows him. One of his other nicknames is “The Furry Little Stalker”
Whisper is a fierce dead-mousie-onna-string and guts hunter.
Whisper head-bonks people really hard, so he’s also called ‘Bonk’.
Whisper loves treats and ‘nip so much he doesn’t even care if he’s nose-to-nose with anycat else.
Whisper has really long whiskers and lots of them.
Whisper likes head smooches, but not if us other cats are watching.
Whisper doesn’t like the Out. Except the balcony. He loves the balcony.
Whisper sleeps in really weird poses.
Strangely, no biteys were administered by cats after the picture in the preceeding post. I thing Whisper may be mellowing out with age.
Oh, and OUR SUNSPOT CAME BACK!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
And you know, I'm not even gonna try to explain or excuse my OTW on this one.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Bad Cats, Bad Cats, Whatcha gonna do?
Narrator: This week we're with the Peace Region Royal Canadian Kitty Police, riding along with Officer Food Lady-Mom of the Kitty-Narcotics squad.
FLM: I've been on the kitty-narcotics squad for more than eight years now. It wasn't really a career choice. I mean, I didn't grow up dreaming of kicking in 'nip-house doors or anything, but it's an important job and it needs doing.
I guess it started when I had a kitty of my own. It was easier when he was young, there really wasn't any exposure to kitty-drugs where we were living at the time. But when he was in his late adolescence we moved into a different neighbourhood. We didn't realize at the time that the new friends he was making were into 'nip. It turned out ok for him, he tried it a few times, I know, but after the initial thrill wore off, I guess he just decided that it wasn't where he wanted to go with his life.
But it did make me more aware of the problem, and I could see in some of his friends the problems it could cause, the havoc and devastation 'nip could cause in a happy home. I saw the desperate measures some young cats would go to for their next hit, the questionable associatiates, knocking over tin cans, the fights, the hallway-racing while under the influence.... It's just sad, you know? And I just wanted to help. I wanted to try and help these kitties.
Dispatcher: Unit 16, we have a report of a 10-57 in your vicinity. Location is the kitchen, near the water dispenser.
FLM: Dispatch, this unit 16, responding to 10-57, ETA: once chair is pushed back from computer desk.
We've got a call about an intoxicated kitty, right behind the chair from here. I'm just going to swing us around and check it out.
Yup, see over there?
Dispatch, 10-23, we have a young female, black, approximately 1 year. Appears to be in the process of a drug-beg. Am in pursuit.
FLM:Ma'am? Ma'am, are you alright?
Suspect: Meep? Mrooooow!
FLM: Ma'am, could you please come back here? I want to talk to you.
FLM: Ma'am, please step away from the tin cannister. Ma'am? Ma'am, are you listening to me? I want you to listen to me!
FLM: *bleep* She's got fangs! She's robbing the tin!
Ma'am! MA'AM! Let go of the baggie and get down on the ground!
Ma'am, put down the baggie. PUT DOWN THE BAGGIE!!!
FLM: Ma'am if you do not let go of the baggie, I will have to restrain you! Ma'am? Ma'am, you are NOT helping yourself!
*rustle, rustle, clatter*
Suspect: Mree! Mree! Mew! Mew! Mew! Prrrrrrrrt?
FLM: *bleeeeeeeeeeep* Ow! No claws! No claws!!!
FLM: Ma'am, please tell me your name. Ma'am, look at me. Listen to me. Focus. I need your name.
FLM: Dispatch, 10-92. Requesting 10-29 on a Persephone Kitten-Girl.
Dispatcher: 10-29, Copy. *pause* Unit 16, suspect is wanted on several outstanding drug and public disturbance warrants.
FLM: Copy that, dispatch.
Ma'am, I'm placing you under arrest for fanged robbery, possession of narcotics, rolling around the floor while under the influence, and assaulting an officer. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you meow can and will be used against you in a court of lap. You have the right to scritches. If you cannot afford scritches, ones will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?
FLM: It's just so sad you know. She's still a young cat, she has her whole life ahead of her and a 'nip addiction is a hard thing to shake. And now she's gonna have a record, too.
Narrator: Persephone Kitten-girl was found guilty in a court of lap, for several narcotics related offences as well as the assault of a kitty-narcotics officer and fanged robbery of a tin can. She is currently behind bars and struggling to deal with her 'nip addiction.
Officer Food-Lady-Mom is still with the Kitty-Narcotics Squad, and continues to try to make the kitchens and hallways a safer place for young cats.
Friday, March 23, 2007
Formerly Feral Friday
Oooooooooo! That Jack! Just wait! One of these Thursdays I'm gonna steal the computer and write all about him!!! I can do that! I help Food Lady-Mom blog and stuff!
Thank you everycat for saying I'm pretty, and interesting, and smart, and special, and cute! I am! It's hard to be a Queen of the Universe, but I'm learning!
I gots some exciting news! Squeak may be getting a sister soon! Her peoples were at the shelter today and they found this pretty long haired calico girl who just came in and is three-months old and they got to help the staff help clean her up and they think in a few days when the shelter is sure she can be adopted out that they're going to give her a home and a sister.
So everycat, purr really hard that this sweet little girl gets a home and I'll have TWO neighbour kittens to play with!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Persephone has a thin white ring around one of her legs.
Persephone has white hairs scattered all down her sides, all mixed up in her black furs.
Persephone sleeps with her tongue stuck out.
Persephone’s favourite napping place is the vishus deer rug. She finds it wherever it is, even piled up in a lump on the chair, and sleeps on it.
Persephone’s tail is always curled up at the end.
Persephone loves to steal my gooshy foods after I bury it for later, but only if she gets different gooshy foods in her own bowl. If she gets served my gooshy foods in her bowl, she’ll turn up her nose and walk away from her own bowl, and she won’t steal mine either.
Persephone doesn’t do “love paws”. She does “love claws” (but she never puts them into my OTW).
Persephone talks a lot. I mean really a lot. She hardly stops talking unless she’s eating or sleeping. She just walks around meeping and creeling to anycat or anybody who’s around. My OTW calls her Meezer-Mouth.
Persephone likes to help blog.
Persephone is scared of the blanket monster.
When it’s treat time, Persephone wants her treats fed to her while she lounges on her shelf above us Big Man-cats.
Persephone likes to hunt her kibble. She scoops it out with her paw and drops it on the floor, then bats it all over before pouncing and gobbling.
Persephone’s eyes are green AND gold. The outside is gold and the centre is bright green. It’s not just a trick of the camera!
I also want to say "FSSSSSSSSK!" to winter! This was taken yesterday on the first day of spring! It snowed extra yesterday.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
He caught a mouse the other day. Too bad it was rubber.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Thursday Thirteen-Squeak Edition
1. Squeak is the only cat Whisper never growls at.
2. Squeak's back legs are longer than her front legs, so my OTW calls her Speedybutt (we all have "-butt" names. But her human calls her Widebutt, because her back end looks big).
3. Squeak is almost as big as Persephone now, and she's only 4 months old.
4. Squeak thinks the computer chair with the sheepskin is her mommy.
5. Squeak now lives next door, and she gets to come over for play dates.
7. Squeak likes to climb inside people clothes, while the people are still in them!
5. Squeak is a tabby-calico
6. Squeak can yell really really loud.
9. Squeak thinks she can beat me up.
10. Squeak is a really good rassler.
11. Squeak has a golden paw.
12. But one day she had a BLUE paw.
13. Squeak has NO BRAINS!*
*Squeak had a blue paw because SHE JUMPED INTO MY OTW'S STINKY BLUE WATER VAT!!!!!! The one she uses to make things blue! Squeak's just lucky my OTW caught her in mid-air and she only got one paw in!
Squeak eats wood off the floor in the bathroom without the litterboxes, that the Big One was fixing. We're not even supposed to be in there, Squeak just runs in the moment the door is open and starts eating wood!
Squeak likes to sit in the litter. And not just when my OTW has cleaned them and put in fresh litter. ALL the time! Even when it's really stinky and wet and needs changing! She even once went in and sat down beside Persephone while she was trying to poop! And stuck her tail under Persephone's butt!
I did my best to train her before she went, and Persphone was a great assistant, but really, I don't know about her! She's great in a rassling match, but not so good in the thinking department! And I don't know if she's even smart enough to know you don't rassle vishus deers, and she's certainly plump enough to be a really juicy good meal for a vishus deer!
Speaking of vishus deers, my OTW saw one beside our building! Right beside it! In the place where the Big One parks his Blue Machine! And where I explore in the summer! It was just sashaying across the parking lot!
Right there below me on the ground is where the Big One parks his Blue Machine! Right over there in front of the big green box (except in OUR parking lot) is where the vishus deer nonchalantly sauntered when my people saw it! This window is at the end of the hall outside my door!
I don't know if it was lying in wait to spy on my peoples, or if it was trying to figure out how to get at the kitty who lives on the second floor at that end of the building in the back, and has her litterbox on the balcony!
This weather has got to go away soon! the vishus deers don't seem to come so close when there's no snow!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Sleepy Sunday-Dead Kitty Edition*
One minute we're racing around like our butts are on fire. The next we're flaked out like the horrible casualties of a terrible kitten demolition derby!
Humans wish they could sleep like us!