Saturday, March 24, 2007

Bad Cats, Bad Cats, Whatcha gonna do?

*lalalala* Bad Cats bad cats, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? *lalalalala*

Narrator: This week we're with the Peace Region Royal Canadian Kitty Police, riding along with Officer Food Lady-Mom of the Kitty-Narcotics squad.

FLM: I've been on the kitty-narcotics squad for more than eight years now. It wasn't really a career choice. I mean, I didn't grow up dreaming of kicking in 'nip-house doors or anything, but it's an important job and it needs doing.

I guess it started when I had a kitty of my own. It was easier when he was young, there really wasn't any exposure to kitty-drugs where we were living at the time. But when he was in his late adolescence we moved into a different neighbourhood. We didn't realize at the time that the new friends he was making were into 'nip. It turned out ok for him, he tried it a few times, I know, but after the initial thrill wore off, I guess he just decided that it wasn't where he wanted to go with his life.

But it did make me more aware of the problem, and I could see in some of his friends the problems it could cause, the havoc and devastation 'nip could cause in a happy home. I saw the desperate measures some young cats would go to for their next hit, the questionable associatiates, knocking over tin cans, the fights, the hallway-racing while under the influence.... It's just sad, you know? And I just wanted to help. I wanted to try and help these kitties.

Dispatcher: Unit 16, we have a report of a 10-57 in your vicinity. Location is the kitchen, near the water dispenser.

FLM: Dispatch, this unit 16, responding to 10-57, ETA: once chair is pushed back from computer desk.

We've got a call about an intoxicated kitty, right behind the chair from here. I'm just going to swing us around and check it out.

Yup, see over there?

Dispatch, 10-23, we have a young female, black, approximately 1 year. Appears to be in the process of a drug-beg. Am in pursuit.

FLM:Ma'am? Ma'am, are you alright?

Suspect: Meep? Mrooooow!

FLM: Ma'am, could you please come back here? I want to talk to you.

Suspect: *purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

FLM: Ma'am, please step away from the tin cannister. Ma'am? Ma'am, are you listening to me? I want you to listen to me!

Suspect: Mrfffffff!

FLM: *bleep* She's got fangs! She's robbing the tin!

Ma'am! MA'AM! Let go of the baggie and get down on the ground!

Ma'am, put down the baggie. PUT DOWN THE BAGGIE!!!

Suspect: MreeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!

FLM: Ma'am if you do not let go of the baggie, I will have to restrain you! Ma'am? Ma'am, you are NOT helping yourself!

*rustle, rustle, clatter*

Suspect: Mree! Mree! Mew! Mew! Mew! Prrrrrrrrt?


FLM: *bleeeeeeeeeeep* Ow! No claws! No claws!!!

FLM: Ma'am, please tell me your name. Ma'am, look at me. Listen to me. Focus. I need your name.

Suspect: Mreeep!

FLM: Dispatch, 10-92. Requesting 10-29 on a Persephone Kitten-Girl.

Dispatcher: 10-29, Copy. *pause* Unit 16, suspect is wanted on several outstanding drug and public disturbance warrants.

FLM: Copy that, dispatch.

Ma'am, I'm placing you under arrest for fanged robbery, possession of narcotics, rolling around the floor while under the influence, and assaulting an officer. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you meow can and will be used against you in a court of lap. You have the right to scritches. If you cannot afford scritches, ones will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?


FLM: It's just so sad you know. She's still a young cat, she has her whole life ahead of her and a 'nip addiction is a hard thing to shake. And now she's gonna have a record, too.

Narrator: Persephone Kitten-girl was found guilty in a court of lap, for several narcotics related offences as well as the assault of a kitty-narcotics officer and fanged robbery of a tin can. She is currently behind bars and struggling to deal with her 'nip addiction.

Officer Food-Lady-Mom is still with the Kitty-Narcotics Squad, and continues to try to make the kitchens and hallways a safer place for young cats.


KC and the Giggleman Kitties said...

LOL, this is just too cute. Good job!

Artsy Catsy said...

HAHAHA!! I love it! And it's a relief to know that somekitty is in more trouble than I am for dislocating my human's toe. Oops, I shouldn't have said that, you'll be racing over here to bust me for human abuse!


Victor Tabbycat said...

Oh deer! I had NO idea when I taught her to spin, that I mite be enablin her addicshun!
PS are you members of Catnip Anonymous? This would be a grate post there, too.
When I gotted in trubull fur plant pluckin, the judge made me do catmunity serface by writin a Feline Service Announcement bout plant pluckin. But cuz I wasn't 18 (mos) yet, they also made me do nitely play therapy insteada sendin me to jail.

Daisy said...

Uh oh! Poor Persephone, it was not your fault, you were under the influence of the very evil 'nip! I hope you don't get a harder sentence because you pulled the fangs while snatching the 'nip!

danielle said...

Oh my god that was so good. I was laughing so hard I started crying. I hope that Persophne kitty girl can kick the habbit and not have any more run-ins with the law. Good luck to her.


Kate (Pablo's mum) said...

This is the BEST SHOW EVER! Much better than the people version. I can't wait for the next episode... 'bad cats, bad cats, what'cha gonna dooo...'

sammawow said...

bad cats, watcha gonna do.... Poor Persephone - maybe it's only a first time offense and she'll get off easy.....

China Cat & Willow

Jake and Bathsheba said...


Have you seen Daisy's Catnip Reefer Madness Movie? It's entered in Skeezix's Acatemy Awards competition, and it's great too.

~J&B and their Mom

Bad Kitty Cats & Megan said...

Hahaha... we LOVE BAD KITTY CATS! Awesome!

HRH Yao-Lin said...

MOL MOL MOL MOL how funny! Oh it is sad what happens to these addicts. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time,ma'am. LOL

DK & The Fluffies said...


Fat Eric said...

Hee hee hee. I like it! Poor Persephone in jail. She doesn't look furry remorseful, I have to say.

Hope there will be more episodes of Kitty Cops!

Zippy, Sadie, Speedy and M'Gee said...

Oh, oh, we'z sending a tuna cake wif a file in it...Do yoo think maybe yoo'll get out early fur good behavior, uh, prolly not.

The M's said...

We love it, crooks get busted. I do think that we may have a problem here also, with Munch.

Meowers from Missouri said...

oh, miss persephone??? you and i would make a dandy bonnie and clyde pair. lemme know if you efurr wanna go wild in the country!!

nitro s pierce

Christine and FAZ said...

Oh dear, these kitty drugs can be very powerful and addictive. Even the bestest cats can be led astray. FAZ

LZ said...

Hahaha!!! Oh the Lap Lady is laughing hard with this one! I guess we should watch out for the OTW...she seems like she means business. Do you think she could come to our house?? Quick, hide the stash!!


Hot(M)BC said...

Oh gosh Persephone! You're not sposed to let them CATCH yoo!

The Crew said...

Oh Jack, poor Persephone. For one so young to fall under the influence of ol' devil 'nip! She needs the assistance of Catnip Anonymous.

(recovering 'nipaholic)

Skeezix the Cat said...

Wow! This was a vary ixsiting storey!! Persephone looks vary good beehind bars!

Jake and Bathsheba said...

Jack, thanks for the birthday wishes! Mom would be more than happy to give me an extra head smooch from your OTW. I'm a good smoochy cat-- a man cat lover man.


Rosie & Cheeto said...

HAHAHAHA, this is a horribul sichuashun yer in! It's also a grate eggsample of the progresshun of one kitty's nip problem.

Yoo gotta join the catnip annonamous gang!

Mr. Hendrix said...

Oh poor Persephone Kitty-Girl. She has a long road ahead of her. Thank goodness I'm not addicted to the nip. I can quit whenever I want, really, I can. Don't you believe me?

Anonymous said...

why'z owr Lady laffin' so much? 'parentlee she duzzn't reelize the seryusnuss of the sityouashun. want me ta come offur an help yoo chew yur way outta jail? i like chewin' wood.

Angel Junior, Orion and Sammy said...

MOL! Too funny!

Anonymous said...

MOL! Nice Job Persephone!