Bad Cats, Bad Cats, Whatcha gonna do?

*lalalala* Bad Cats bad cats, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? *lalalalala*

Narrator: This week we're with the Peace Region Royal Canadian Kitty Police, riding along with Officer Food Lady-Mom of the Kitty-Narcotics squad.

FLM: I've been on the kitty-narcotics squad for more than eight years now. It wasn't really a career choice. I mean, I didn't grow up dreaming of kicking in 'nip-house doors or anything, but it's an important job and it needs doing.

I guess it started when I had a kitty of my own. It was easier when he was young, there really wasn't any exposure to kitty-drugs where we were living at the time. But when he was in his late adolescence we moved into a different neighbourhood. We didn't realize at the time that the new friends he was making were into 'nip. It turned out ok for him, he tried it a few times, I know, but after the initial thrill wore off, I guess he just decided that it wasn't where he wanted to go with his life.

But it did make me more aware of the problem, and I could see in some of his friends the problems it could cause, the havoc and devastation 'nip could cause in a happy home. I saw the desperate measures some young cats would go to for their next hit, the questionable associatiates, knocking over tin cans, the fights, the hallway-racing while under the influence.... It's just sad, you know? And I just wanted to help. I wanted to try and help these kitties.

Dispatcher: Unit 16, we have a report of a 10-57 in your vicinity. Location is the kitchen, near the water dispenser.

FLM: Dispatch, this unit 16, responding to 10-57, ETA: once chair is pushed back from computer desk.

We've got a call about an intoxicated kitty, right behind the chair from here. I'm just going to swing us around and check it out.

Yup, see over there?

Dispatch, 10-23, we have a young female, black, approximately 1 year. Appears to be in the process of a drug-beg. Am in pursuit.


FLM:Ma'am? Ma'am, are you alright?

Suspect: Meep? Mrooooow!


FLM: Ma'am, could you please come back here? I want to talk to you.

Suspect: *purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

FLM: Ma'am, please step away from the tin cannister. Ma'am? Ma'am, are you listening to me? I want you to listen to me!

Suspect: Mrfffffff!

FLM: *bleep* She's got fangs! She's robbing the tin!


Ma'am! MA'AM! Let go of the baggie and get down on the ground!


Ma'am, put down the baggie. PUT DOWN THE BAGGIE!!!


Suspect: MreeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!

FLM: Ma'am if you do not let go of the baggie, I will have to restrain you! Ma'am? Ma'am, you are NOT helping yourself!


*rustle, rustle, clatter*

Suspect: Mree! Mree! Mew! Mew! Mew! Prrrrrrrrt?

*kickkickkick*

FLM: *bleeeeeeeeeeep* Ow! No claws! No claws!!!


FLM: Ma'am, please tell me your name. Ma'am, look at me. Listen to me. Focus. I need your name.

Suspect: Mreeep!

FLM: Dispatch, 10-92. Requesting 10-29 on a Persephone Kitten-Girl.

Dispatcher: 10-29, Copy. *pause* Unit 16, suspect is wanted on several outstanding drug and public disturbance warrants.

FLM: Copy that, dispatch.

Ma'am, I'm placing you under arrest for fanged robbery, possession of narcotics, rolling around the floor while under the influence, and assaulting an officer. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you meow can and will be used against you in a court of lap. You have the right to scritches. If you cannot afford scritches, ones will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?

Suspect: MeOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!

FLM: It's just so sad you know. She's still a young cat, she has her whole life ahead of her and a 'nip addiction is a hard thing to shake. And now she's gonna have a record, too.


Narrator: Persephone Kitten-girl was found guilty in a court of lap, for several narcotics related offences as well as the assault of a kitty-narcotics officer and fanged robbery of a tin can. She is currently behind bars and struggling to deal with her 'nip addiction.

Officer Food-Lady-Mom is still with the Kitty-Narcotics Squad, and continues to try to make the kitchens and hallways a safer place for young cats.