*lalalalala* Bad Cats, Bad Cats, Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? *lalalalala*
Narrator: This week we're in Apartment 302. We're riding along with Officer Crazy-Cathead-Smoocher, a patrol officer with more than 10 years experience.
CCS: This is still a pretty new patrol route for me, only been working this patrol for 10 months. I used to do Patrol Route Apartment 3. Was there a couple of years. But you know, it seems like no matter where I do patrol, I always seem to keep seeing the same cats over and over, so I guess it really doesn't matter. I may still be getting to know all the hidey-spots and nappy-places, and escape routes, but I know the cats really well. I know them well enough to be able to tell who the victims really are and which ones are the troublemakers.
We got a report on a older man-cat possibly commiting indecent exposure and lewd conduct in public a livingroom away from here. We're just going to go in real quiet, see if we can catch him in the act.
There he is. I don't think he's seen us yet. Man-cat's pretty preoccupied. We're just gonna hang back a second, see what he does.
There he goes, yeah. Well, there's no doubt THAT'S lewd conduct. Listen to that yowling! And this sofa is a neighbourhood with young cats too. They don't need to be exposed to this kind of thing at their age. Alright, we're going.
Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir?
Ah, *bleep* we didn't need to see that. Sir? SIR!
CCS: Sir, can I ask what you thought you were doing?
CCS: Could you speak up, sir?
CCS: Why not? You were yowling loud enough a minute ago.
CCS: Sir, don't take that tone with me. Sir, have you had any 'nip tonight?
CCS: Well, sir, I can smell 'nip. You can tell me you haven't done any 'nip, but my nose doesn't lie.
CCS: Girlfriend, sir? Is this your girlfriend here with you?
CCS: Sir, you do realize this is a Dead Dustmop? This isn't your girlfriend, it's an inanimate object?
CCS: *bleep* He's running! He's running!
CCS: *bleep* We lost him. *pause* Yeah, we think he ran through here, but I don't see him anywhere. There must be a hidey-spot around here somewhere. He's vanished. Well, nothing we can do now. We'll keep an eye out for him on patrol tonight, see if we can't pick him up later.
Dispatch, we have a 10-57, causing a public disturbance at the east end of Sofa. Suspect eluded capture. Please advise all units to be on the lookout for a male cat, tuxie, approximately thirteen, between 14 and 15 lbs. Suspect is fanged and clawed and appears to be intoxicated. Possible 10-96. Approach with caution.
Dispatcher: 10-57, possible 10-96, copy, Unit 4
CCS: That old man-cat, it's pretty clear despite what he meows, that he's been hitting the 'nip pretty hard for years. And that business about the Dead Dustmop being his girlfriend? Well, he may be a few kibbles short of a cat-dish. I dunno. We'll have to see if we can catch him later, bring him in for evaluation.
***few hours later**
CCS: This is really not such a bad neighbourhood. A lot of calls I get are just for rescuing mousies from under couchs, or bored young cats looking for attention. A few scritches, just to let them know you're out there, you're watching, and you're on their side. On weekends, I coach a wand-catching team of young girl-cats from this neighbourhood.
Hold on, is that....? Yeah, I think that's him!
CCS: Sir? Sir, stop!
CCS: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me. Sir, please let go of the Dead Dustmop.
CCS: Sir, that enough. Can you tell me your name?
CCS: Sir, your name? What's your name?
CCS: There's no call to be rude like that, sir. You stay right here. Just lie right there and don't move.
Suspect: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr *licklicklick*
CCS: Dispatch, we have that 10-96 in custody. We're located at the front of Sofa. We're going to... HEY! Sir! SIR! That's enough! Stop! Stop right there!
CCS: Oh, man! Oh geez! Sir! Please! Just stop. Just stop that now.
CCS: Sir, I'm going to have to take you into custody now. Please don't try to bite me.
CCS: Yeah, well, sir, at this point we don't have much choice about taking you in. Now you understand we are not placing you under arrest. You are being taken in for an evaluation to determine if you require any help.
CCS: Unbelieveable. Some nights this job is just crazy.
Narrator: Whisper Grumpybutt was remanded into the custody of the local health authority and is currently undergoing scritch therapy and bed rest.
Officer Crazy-Cathead-Smoocher continues to patrol Apartment 302, rescuing mousies, keeping the peace and making sure everycat gets plenty of head smooches.